If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
