Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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