Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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