And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
