i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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