Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
