i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just gargled with NyQuil
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
