wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
