i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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