Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
time to smoke my breakfast
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
