I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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