I just pynch a tree in the face
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
