I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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