hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
