Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
