Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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