Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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