Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
