so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
