I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
