My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
