Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
vagina is talking i cant
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
