if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
