I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I did not marry a roomba.
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