As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
