My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
