There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
