guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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