my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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