sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I could make wine with my vomit
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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