I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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