she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
