I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
