god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
