I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
