WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
