Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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