The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
