So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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