I met the friendliest cop last night
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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