She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
