I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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