Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
