I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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