So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
