dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
