come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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