it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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