Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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