also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Non-Jews are for practice
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
