this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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