Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
