The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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