I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
