im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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