You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
