I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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